For the first time in 7 years, today is looking and feeling a little different. Since losing my mom, I’ve spent Mother’s Day ignoring Mother’s Day.
Now, for those of you that know me, I’m not one to be explicitly rude and disrespectful. On this day, though, it sometimes feels like I’m being that way. In all honesty, it just feels physically hard to celebrate anyone besides my mom on this day. I usually don’t try to be around others on this day and keep to myself…pretending it’s just a Sunday. It’s been harder as I got older and farther from her passing. Probably the “easiest” and “best” Mother’s Day was the first one after she passed. I was away at school. I was busy studying for finals. I was surrounded by college kids—not moms.
My heart has hurt on this day. I want to say that I am so grateful for all my family in my life. I’m thankful for the numerous “motherly figures” that have always been there or stepped in since my mom’s passing. All of you deserve all the love and celebrations in the world. But, just know that it really is hard for me to be acknowledging someone that is not my mom on “Mother’s Day”. It’s weird… I can do it any other day of the year. But on this day, it’s just hard.
Losing my mom left a hole in my heart. A spot where my mom’s hugs that could cure anything, loud cheers in the stands at color guard competitions, yummy dinners and famous sugar cookies, creative home renovations, master planning of vacations, quick brainstorming sessions for school projects, and love resided. Over the years since her passing, there have been people, situations, celebrations, and milestones that all put a colored bandaid on top of that hole… but nothing ever fully filling it in.
God worked through this though. In growing deeper in my faith, He showed me His love…and then he did some more loving.
Instead of mourning a mom on this Mother’s Day, He blessed me with becoming one.
That hole in my heart is now full of baby giggles. The spot is filled with cuddles and the feeling of being someone’s whole world. The spot is filled with several outfit changes after being spit up on with “tough love” AKA milk or blow outs. The spot is full of memories of those first couple of nights and days where I had no idea what I was doing, but to him, he knew no one else or nothing else. The spot is full of the best baby smile after seeing him after work or a nap, so light up and excited to see me. The spot is filled with the realization of how much my own mom loved me after experiencing the love for my own child. The spot is full.
Thank You Lord for working through something that I did not know could ever be worked through. I am crying today, but maybe more tears of joy as I think about how I’ve been blessed with the best role and responsibility in this world. I will never take it for granted.
I look in my baby’s deep blue eyes and I’m reminded of the sparkling blue twinkle in my mom’s eyes. I stop while playing and dancing with my son and I’m reminded of all of the times I spent doing the same with my own mom. Becoming a mom has been an answered prayer in the grieving process with my own mom. The love that I feel missed from her, I now pour in to my own son: I’m not feeling motherless because now I’m motherly. THAT.
So today, I just want those of you to know I mourn for you:
- I’m mourning for those that have lost a mother recently
- I’m mourning for those that have lost a mother a while ago
- I’m mourning those who want to be mothers so badly!
- I’m mourning those who have lost a child
- I’m mourning those who have an estranged relationship with their child
And today, I’m also celebrating you:
- Those who are first time mothers
- Those who have been mothers for a while
- Those that are pregnant
- Those that have stepped into the role of being a mom
- Those that just rekindled a mother-child relationship
I’m here mourning and cheering, because I get it. This day is happy and sad. So let’s cheer on those mothers of all types and hug all kids today–we all need it. I’m thinking of you all on this day and I’m praying that you look to God to find peace, hope, and love on this day. I never thought that the emptiness of my heart could be filled again… but here I am feeling so overjoyed with this blessing.
XOXO,
Mrs. DeClaireingHappiness
mrsdeclaireinghappiness.com 